Me and My Self
by Michael Wise
To understand the Self-Concept, and to invite it to become healthy within is possibly the most important thing in living a stable, happy, peaceful and contented life. Many have never attained these things and this can lead to experiencing a miserable life, one where outside influences rule and control and manipulate as opposed to having inner power to declare ones-self
equal and adequate.
Our entire mental, emotional and spiritual health hinges on having a well developed Self-Concept. Often those who bring us up, or others who influence our upbringing have not heard of or
got a healthy self-concept themselves. This is of no fault of their own, as the generations before them probably didn’t have it either. So, no blame on them, it is however now time to get it for
yourself and pass it on to your descendent, and others.
The ‘I AM’, is an important part of who you are. To put it another way can you answer these
questions:
- Who am I?
- What am I?
- What am I becoming?
It is good to know that you can, within the realms of possibility, become whatever you want to. That is good news. No, you don’t have to become what others want you to (you would probably be miserable at that prospect!). You can become what you want to in terms of your character (Again, No, character is not fixed) and what you do as to finding your own Purpose in life.
Let’s look at some ‘Self-‘ terms to get an understanding of the important concepts here:
- Self Concept. This is all about how you view yourself. Do you see yourself as confident, in a positive and healthy light? Or in a negative light? Why? Who painted this picture for you? Were they a reliable guide? Time to re-paint this picture of yourself. A good self image is to know for yourself your potential, to learn how to love and respect yourself, and to be honest with yourself.
- Self assessment of natural vs learned abilities. We can allow others to label us ‘Useless’, or ‘dumb’, or ‘ugly’, or ‘horrible’ etc. and these labels can stick and hurt, but only if we allow them to. We have to develop a Teflon surface (like a non-stick frying pan) towards people projecting nasty stuff onto us, so that it just slides off. Don’t own it or be offended by it. It says a lot about them and nothing about us. What sort of person does this? They are to no longer have any rights to speak about what we are, and it is up to us to remove those rights. Better to ‘side-step’ such people and ignore them. They have not earned the right into your life. Remember, you will become like the people you hang about with, so better to associate with decent people. The key here is to be able to assess yourself and declare for yourself with Self-Beliefs that are true and reliable. The need to encourage, re-assure and back yourself. You are after all what you believe, and especially about yourself and your abilities. Everyone ‘feels’ inadequate, or dumb at first, when learning new things. That is normal, as you become adequate. Remember learning to swim, or ride a bike?
- Self awareness vs other awareness. Selfish people vs Selfless people. It is good to become and practice Self-Awareness. To become aware: is this your problem or theirs? If it is not your problem why are you fixing it? Can you say ‘NO’, gently but firmly when necessary, or are you afraid of their reaction? This is the people-pleaser’s challenge, to not try to keep other people happy, or stop them from being moody. Their moods are now their responsibility.
- Self control & Self regulation. This is about who is in control, and a lot to do with feelings. We are a Spirit that inhabits a body. As if we live in an overcoat, or a tent. Our Spirit is a steward (or supposed to be!) and regulates what is good and bad for our body, and where we go, who we hang out with and what we do. The Spirit should be the one deciding what we decide is healthy to think, feel, say, and do. This is about making healthy choices for ourselves, and this might mean being teased, or disappointing others. We do not have to ‘play along’ to get them to like us any more. That would be other-regulation, letting others control or influence us and be drawn into bad things.
- Self image. What do you see when you look in a mirror? A Self-image is how you perceive yourself, rather than how others see you. Other people’s feedback can be faulty, depending on how they feel about you. If they hate you, are jealous, hurt, or have a poor self-image of themselves they will project their own pain onto you. (This is what is termed tall-poppy-syndrome, where unhappy people hate and cut down others who are doing well and have a good self-image). A good self-image is a set of self-impressions that have built up over time. These can be positive, giving one confidence in their thoughts and actions, or negative, making a person fearful, doubting their capabilities and beliefs about themselves
- Self assurances. When trouble or doubt comes along and we worry about ourselves or our abilities we need Re-Assurances all ready to prepare ourselves for any anxiety causing challenges ahead. If we do not have these reassurances prepared and ready there is nothing to arrest the slide into the doldrums and getting stuck. The way forward in life towards self-confidence and a better future is always the ability to reassure oneself. It is good to write them down. This is something any good counsellor / coach should do for you.
- Self Definition. Who defines us? When we are born we are like a blank hard drive on a computer, much of which is un-programmed. (The basics of life, breathing, crying, eating are there…). Then our care givers program us up, hopefully as best as they can. By the time we are teens it is time for us to start re-assessing this programming for ourselves, and to start taking much responsibility for our selves, our decisions, and our actions. To a lesser or greater extend the previous programming will need to be re-programmed with more healthy beliefs, especially regarding our Self-Concept, our concept and views of the world and how to cope well in it. About our future and just how much we are in control of it. This is about defining ourselves rather than allowing others to squash us into their mould, and doing the definitions for us. We don’t ‘find’ ourselves, but rather ‘define’ ourselves.
- Self Enthusiasm and Motivation. It is up to us to stay enthusiastic and motivated about ourselves, our life, our plans and our future. Don’t allow others to demotivate you or put you down. You can do without this sort of people around you. Find others worthy of you.
- Self Love. A healthy self-love doesn’t mean you are selfish or self seeking. Self-Love is having a balanced, self appreciation and positive regard for one’s self. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others and their whims. Being a proud, boastful person full of themselves is not so good, but being proud of yourself and know your abilities (or ones you are attaining) is perfectly good. When we have self-love we can be gentle on ourselves, and kind to oneself, and cut some slack on ourselves. A perfectionist, or over driven person will condemn themselves.
- Self Worth, Value & Respect. This is respecting yourself that you are of worth, and of great value, even when others don’t think this. Put yourself high on the agenda. Yes, we do have to balance our own needs with others who are close to us, and not be selfish. Care for others shows love and empathy, when it is healthy to do so and not Rescuing or Enabling.
- Self Worth, Value & Respect. This is respecting yourself that you are of worth, and of great value, even when others don’t think this. Put yourself high on the agenda. Yes, we do have to
balance our own needs with others who are close to us, and not be selfish. Care for others shows love and empathy, when it is healthy to do so and not Rescuing or Enabling. - Self Trust. If you find it hard to trust in yourself just yet, trust in your abilities and training and rely on them instead. Self-doubt will let you down, but self-assurance in your abilities
should not. As you become adequate and confident repeatedly you will be able to trust in yourself. - Self Uniqueness. Yes you are unique, and is refreshing to not to have to be like or follow ‘all the others’. That is a game few can win, so better to run your own race – or even better, slow down and enjoy your own walk in life.
- Self Balance. Being Self-centred or Selfish and being Other-centred and controlled are both unhealthy. While everyone will be slightly one way or the other to some extent (and sometimes this is situational), it is healthy to become just Centred. Being Centred means being able to assess others and ones-self and have an appropriate response to all situations rather than being reactive to situations.
- Self Permission. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to do things and be bold and step out. Who else is going to give us permission to become our own person? Who else will give us permission to think and act for yourself? To become a different person from who we are now will take courage to be different. To not follow the crowd (where are they going anyway?). To follow your own path to what you want to become. Yes it will feel out of character, but this is just a feeling to be overcome.
- Individuation The ‘becoming centred’ process. Teenage differentiation to achieve sovereignty, or distinguishing ones own will, beliefs and identity from ones authority figures; parents, pastor or teacher, by challenging. An essential step in this process is taking the risk of rejection and disappointing others. Often hostilised by insecure or controlling parent / pastor, as ‘rebellion’. When successful, parents and children become equals, and hopefully, friends, rather than live on in a parent/child power-struggle. When unsuccessful, it causes repeated relationship failure later in life as issues of status and authority obstruct equality of partnerships. (David Riddell, The Living Wisdom Manual).
- Feelings! In this era it is commonly believed that it is OK to be driven by how we feel (do you know anyone like that?). Well, feelings are not a reliable guide to how things are, they do not all reflect reality. For this reason all feelings must be tested carefully before chasing after them. Some examples. Just because someone ‘felt’ offended by you, doesn’t mean you caused the offense. Many people take offense at all sorts of things and are thin-skinned or ‘difficult’ people (to be avoided). Just because you feel hungry doesn’t mean your body needs food. It probably needs to learn how to feel hungry, a new habit to learn between meals.
Victim thinking: blocks all of above, feelings of abandonment, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, futility. You are not a victim to these feelings or your situation. This is your life, your
Spirit inside your body. What you do with it is entirely your decision. These are just feelings, and not about reality. These feelings are to be overcome.
Be not a Rescuer: helping those that must grow up and help themselves, who have become reliant of others and have not found the so liberating skill of being responsible for themselves. In thoughts
(yes we are responsible for what we allow ourselves to think, if it is healthy thinking or not), feelings, interactions or communication with others, we choose to communicate or cut it off.
Playground psychology: This can exist in any group, workplace or family setting as well as the playground. Note that in a playground there will exist various groups of kids that gravitate and hang
out with each other. The group you are in will be where you feel safe, or relate to. A few examples are the Intellectual group (scientific, philosophical, high achievers group); the Sporty group
(performance); the Nerds group (robots, computers etc) the Losers group (may be carry, tarty, into drugs, fun, nasty to each other, feel obliged to be in education and are half-hearted regarding learning.
There are at least two exceptions of individuals who don’t belong in any group. The outcast is rejected by every group and learn to become invisible. The independent person who has a stable Self-
Esteem, and can exist very well in no group. They can visit a person or group and interact with them at will and feel comfortable within themselves.
All of the above will have different beliefs about themselves, and will survive to a greater or lesser extend depending on their Self beliefs. Some will feel an uncontrolled pulling to a group and
the group will greatly influence them. Some groups will admire and build up. Other will be harmful to belong to.
This dynamic extends to everywhere you are part of and Influenced by others. Are you highly influenced by others and what they think of you? Or do you influence yourself internally having
strong Self-Beliefs? The influence on your Beliefs and Feelings will always come from somewhere. Feeling or Believing that we are inferior to others is not a healthy perspective. Others might
be more skilled a certain area than us, but we should not allow that to make us feel inferior. We have the power to Self Determinate – to control what we think and believe about ourselves, so we might as well take the time and energy to develop a very healthy Self-Life. This will make us feel Adequate and in control of our own life.
Behaviours and Beliefs and Attitudes: all have their consequences, especially those you believe about yourself.
You are becoming your attitudes. Is that scary or comforting?
Especially the attitudes about yourself,
so you might as well review all attitudes and get good ones!
“Am I being Kind and Gentle to myself?”
I hope these words will assist you in attaining a strong Self-Life, where you yourself are in control now of your own life, and your own future, one where you fully believe in yourself. If these
words have been of help, please do contact me and let me know. It will give me joy to hear your words. You might well need professional assistance with this process, it would be well worth while.
Michael Wise
Other VITAL Life Skills that will be necessary:
- Boundary Push-backs
- Assertiveness
- Negotiation Skills
- Rescuing
- Victimhood
- Forgiveness & Trust
- Communication Skills
© Michael Wise, Wisdom Counselling 2022 ~ Email: sagecounsellor@gmail.com +64 27 3408325