Relationships can invoke the very best and the very worst in any sane couple! Often we have little experience or training in our background to prepare us for being a couple. Where would one pick up the skills necessary?
When a relationship gets into difficulty there are multiple dilemmas to face up to. To separate, sell up, but what about the children's future, to stay in the pain and so on
I enjoy counselling couples, because in most cases the issues can be quickly identified and strategies for change put into place. On occasion a separation or divorce happens, and assistance can at this time also be invaluable.
Yes, there is good effective help available, and the sooner it is sought the sooner the emotional pain can be sorted.
Below are just a few of the topics on relationships. If you don't see one applicable to you, please do give me a call, I am happy to discuss things on the phone with you.
This one is first on the list - for a good reason. Relationship is about relating - to one another, and when there are issues afoot, someone doesn't want to listen any more. But why? There are specific reasons for this, feelings, blame, refusal to own up and many more. Who is trying to stay innocent? When two are talking at the same time, who is listening? Much of couples counselling is in this area, and I teach couples how to stay cool, listen and communicate once again. By relating again, and listening, most issues can then be sorted out.
It is usually unfruitful to ask warring partners if they love each other. The answer is usually (but not always) yes. What is love anyway? I find the word "Love" is a highly abstract word. Often, to bring it into focus it is useful to look at behaviour first, as this quickly indicates if one "feels loved", and yes, we certainly know if we feel loved or not! The way to love someone so that they feel loved, is to enter into their world and pay genuine attention to them. That is just the first insight...
These are interesting little beasties! Say one partner is wanting attention, and to be heard, and the other wants to escape the noise – what happens next? The escapee can\'t stand the heat in the kitchen and "feels nagged" and the unheard one "feels unheard" and puts up the volume. To run or to argue back? To sulk or to lash out? By now no one is listening and trouble follows! Sound familiar? There are about 5 different Attachment Styles and behind each one is a huge emotion. These have to be worked through and real alternatives found and practised – or the wheel just goes round and round again...
These issues can be present in a troubled relationship and also in great relationships, and are more frequent than one may imagine. They are also extremely varied. Luckily we live in a world where they can be discussed and understood more easily, especially behind the counsellors confidential door. There are many causes for Libido Shutdown, and earlier resolution rather than later will save much trouble.
Motivation. What need or perceived need was met when someone has an affair? Next, was that need valid or not? When it comes to sorting this one out there is a lot that has to happen to manage feelings, resolve any anger, to rebuild trust and find the resources to forgive. Yes, there is a road back, and a relationship can become firm and secure again – where there is willingness...
Separation needs to have a purpose. What work needs to happen in each partner for this marriage to work? Or, how can this separation be managed while one party or the other decide what they really want?
Divorce is usually traumatic. So many relationships could have flourished again if professional help had been sought. Relationships can be hard, like computers! We often just do not have the skills or understanding needed to succeed. Often a couple will divorce and never really know what were the real causes. It is important however to work this out in detail, as issues in one relationship can easily be carried straight into the next!
When our soul s tied to one other than our partner, or to someone from the past – it is like being in the home or bed in body, but the mind is far away. Usually the one dreamt of in the mind is idealised as the grass only seems greener on the other side! Time to learn to attend to ones own grass before the love at home drains from the relationship like time and sand slipping through an hour-glass?
Being single and not wanting to is a real double-bind, and aches. There are very good reasons why one is still single and analysing these reasons and then setting ones self up to be a) Open to an advance from another and b) Knowing exactly how to choose the right partner, one who is genuine and safe. Subjects such as trust in self and others, protecting oneself from being gullible, negotiation and boundary skills, and more...
Being a Christian, or from another faith, often affects many of our beliefs regarding what is right and wrong, who holds the power, what the roles are and many other aspects that will model what the marriage looks like. Many of these beliefs are however damaging and cause long term behavioural issues and much resentment. Wisdom is needed...
And much more...
Relationship Counselling is one of my passions, because many of the skills needed for a successful relationship are taught, and not often in-built. This is an area where Wisdom is especially useful. I used to be a trouble-shooter for a multi-national, they flew me to many countries to fix multi-million dollar issues. I did not understand relationships however, and only later in life did that wisdom come along. This relationship wisdom I would love to share with you. These few insights above are just a tiny few of the helpful insights which are available to be discovered in this modality of counselling. Please feel free to give me a call or use the contact form, or just take the plunge and book an appointment. The motto for Wisdom Counselling is: ...wise counsel for people embracing change...